Ten Years Of Pain
by munrochambers4ever
Summary: Eli had to leave Clare to protet her. Now, ten years later, he finds her again, only to see what ten years of pain has done to her. *NOW COMPLETE!*
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: okay, so I think this book will be really bad. I just took a bunch of ideas that ran through my head and I threw them together. So if it's bad, just tell me. I wont hate you, promise.**

**(oh, and in my book KC and Clare are siblings)(Also, a lot of OOC)**

_**This takes place in the hospital after "All Falls Down" **_

**Eli's POV**

I couldn't believe I had done this. I couldn't believe _Fitz_ had done this. Hurt me if you want, but _Clare_? Sweet innocent Saint Clare?

When Fitz came at us with the knife, I was already expecting to die. Prepared for it. I pushed Clare gently away from me…and right into the arms of Owen Milligan.

She cried out in pain and then I saw the blood spill from her. Own laughed and let her drop to the floor.

All Fitz had to say before he left was "That'll teach you, emo boy,"

Clare was going through surgery right now. Adam and I sat in the waiting room, going insane. I lost Julia, I couldn't loose Clare now.

This was all my fault. If I'd just let Fitz win, let him have his moment of glory in the parking lot and dropped it. But _no_. I had to keep going, keep edging him on and now Clare was hurt.

I had to admit, Fitz wasn't as dumb as I thought he was. He thought if he hurt Clare, it would hurt me more than actually stabbing me would. And he was right.

The wait was agonizing. Every doctor that came out, I was expecting the final words. The words that would make me alone _again_. And it was because of me. _Again_.

A short blonde nurse came out and asked to speak to Clare's parents. Mr. and Mrs. Edwards went over and I strained to listen.

"Mr. and Mrs. Edwards, I'm sorry about what happened to your daughter, but she is okay. The knife just missed the aorta and we were able to save her. She is in a pretty bad condition. Do you know the boys that did this?"

I saw Mrs. Edwards glare over at me. "Not exactly,"

Clare was okay, but still in pain and near death because of me. Adam stood up. "Come, let's go see her,"

"I cant, Adam, not just yet,"

"Why not?" he whined. Clare's parents had already began walking to her room.

"I need some time. I cant _see_ her like that yet. I need to wait until she's better,"

"Okay," Adam put his hand on my shoulder and sat back down.

I knew exactly how I could fix this. Exactly what I needed to do and that's what I was gonna do. I wouldn't hurt Clare anymore.

I would leave.

Clare was out of the hospital now. It was still hard for her to walk, but she can managed. I only visited her twice in the hospital. It was too hard to me to see her with wires, and bandages knowing I had caused it all.

It was a bright Friday morning and it was when I decided to leave Clare Edwards forever. Just to keep her safe from me. I had told Darcy and KC about it and then drove her to the park, we I would say goodbye and they would take her home.

Clare got out of the car and ran to me, limping. I winced, trying to forget about what I was going to do.

She went to kiss me, but I turned away.

"What's wrong?"

"Clare, I'm leaving. I'm going to live with my uncle in Ohio," I said, not looking her in eyes.

"Well, why do you have to go?"

"Because I wont hurt you anymore," I whispered.

"Eli, really? This is about Fitz and Owen again? Stop it, you're not going anywhere," she took my hand roughly.

I yanked it away. "Yes, I am, Clare. I'm leaving and I'm not coming back,"

"No!" she protested and flung her arms around my neck. She began sobbing into my neck. "Eli, please don't go! We can get over this! Please!"

My heart was breaking with every syllable she said. "I'm leaving,"

"No, no, please, please, stay! Stay here…with me. We can be happy,"

"I cant be happy putting you in pain,"

"I'm not in pain, Eli! Please, don't do this,"

KC had come up. He put him arm around her waist and began to tug her away. She clung to me, though, wiggling out of KC's arms. "No! NO! You cant leave me, Eli! Please, stay!"

I tried to unhook her hands off my shoulders, but she wouldn't let go. Her hands gripped my arms right. KC and I managed to walk with her to the car. Darcy was in the drivers seat, car running.

"Eli, stop! You're not leaving me, you cant! Please!"

I placed my hands on her shoulders and pushed her down into the seat. She held onto my wrist with more strength I thought she was capable of.

I almost took it all back. I almost took her in my arms and told her I was staying and that everything would be okay. But I needed to let go of Clare. Needed to let her go, so she would be happy.

"Clare, stop it,"

"Eli, I love you, please stay!"

I looked deep into her blues eyes and saw she wouldn't let me go. I was going to have to break her away from me. "Clare," I whispered. My heart pounded painfully in my chest and I could feel my face getting hot. "I don't love you anymore,"

"What?" she whispered. "Eli, no, you're just saying that so I will let you go,"

She knew me so well. I almost laughed because she caught me in the lie. But I needed her to believe me. I said the first words that came to mind that I know would hurt her. "You're not Julia,"

Clare's hand freed from my wrist and I pulled back fast, shutting the door. KC held her tight in his arms as she placed her forehead on the window.

As Darcy pulled away, I heard one ear-piercing shriek of pure agony coming from the car.

_Goodbye, Clare_. I thought silently.

**Ten years later.**

I was back in Toronto for my mother's funeral. It was a dark, cold, rainy October night and I had to stop at the grocery store and bring some things to my dad. According to the neighbors, he was low on food, light bulbs, batteries and wouldn't leave the house to get them.

As I waited in line I noticed the girl in front of me. She was short and had long auburn hair. She was skinny, too skinny. She looked almost unhealthy. Her hair was drenched from the rain and she always kept her head down.

The person if front of her was almost done, so she turned to her cart and began pulling things out. She was wearing a gray long-sleeved shirt that was pushed up to her elbows and I couldn't help but stare at the bright red scars that plastered her arms from wrist to elbow. It was sad, I thought, that someone would do that to themselves.

She paid the cashier with shaky hands and turned, slamming into me. On instincts I caught her by the arms and balanced her.

"Sorry," she whispered, looking down.

"It's okay," I laughed.

The girl looked up at me and gasped.

I stared deep into her eyes, looking at what ten years of pain has done to Clare.

**Author's note: yeah, I know it sucks, but it just came to me in like weird flash and I decided to write it. don't be too mean, please, but tell me what ya think. I'll post the next chapter soon. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: okay, so your reviews made me smile so much, that I sat down and wrote another chapter. I was gonna start this out as a two-shot but more and more ideas are coming so at the most it'll be four. Thank you guys for the amazing reviews. Here's the next chapter.**

I had convinced Clare to let me drive her home so she didn't have to walk in the rain. I wasn't sure what I had done to her when I left and I didn't know if I wanted to find out.

We pulled up to the curb to her new apartment-only a couple blocks away from her old house-and I sighed. As much as I wanted to stay here with her forever and apologize and beg for forgiveness, I knew this would hurt her.

She turned to me, slightly. "Thank you, Eli,"

"You're welcome," I didn't deserve her thanks. I looked down at her wrists and thought of what I _did_ deserve.

She noticed my gaze and pressed her arms to her stomach.

I couldn't help but blurt out my question. "How could you do that to yourself, Clare. You're better than that," I reached hesitantly for her hand and she let me take it. Clare was so cold.

"I handled the pain," she whispered. "By making new pain, I stopped thinking about the _real_ pain,"

"Clare, you could have hurt yourself,"

"I don't cut myself deep, just enough to make me forget,"

I almost puked. I felt my eyes fill up with tears as I imagined her, sitting somewhere, taking a blade to her perfect skin. "You cant do this to forget. It wont help,"

"I don't want to forget, but it hurts to remember. So I create new pain," she said this all so simply, like it was understandable what she was doing.

I suddenly became very mad. "You hurt yourself because you don't like to remember, but you don't wanna forget,"

"It's complicated," she whispered.

"Help me understand,"

"Oh, grow up, Eli!" she shouted and ripped her hand away from me. Before I could understand what she was doing, she pulled the sleeves of her shirt up as high as they could go and then pull the hem of her shirt up to exposed her stomach. Next, she lifted the bottom of her jeans to her knee.

Every inch of Clare's exposed body had a cut. Zigzagged, diagonal, horizontal, vertical. All _over_ her. And I doubt they stopped there.

My stomach heaved and I felt my tears spill over. There was no way _I_ did this to her. She barely shed a tear. "Every time I thought of you, I took a blade to my skin,"

I started to shake. There was too many cuts to count. She looked like a broken doll, sewed together piece by piece over and over again.

And that's exactly what she was-a broke doll.

"Clare, I-" I couldn't form actual words. I couldn't bring myself to the guilt.

"Don't bother, Eli, I deal, that's all there is to it," she grabbed her bags and got out of Morty, starting for the apartment.

My heart told me to walk forward, but my head told me to drive away.

I got out of the car and ran to her taking her as gently as I could by the arm and making her turn to look at me.

"Clare, you need to stop hurting yourself because of me. I'm not at all worth it,"

"To me, you were, Eli, and if this is what it takes for me to remember you then, I'll deal with it. This is a bearable pain. When I cut, thinking of you doesn't hurt so much and I'm able to do it more,"

I stared into her blue eyes and felt my already broken heart, shatter all over again. "Then stop thinking of me,"

"Like it's that simple. Eli, you left me to protect me. But you ended up hurting me even worse,"

And with that, she turned and walked into her apartment, leaving me in the rain.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note: since you guys are so amazingly sweet, I'm posting one more chapter before I go to sleep. Plus, I have no life, so why not? This is gonna be kinda long and possibly a cliff-hanger, but I'll post the final chapter tomorrow after school. Your guys' love means everything to me(: thank you all so much!(:**

I stood at Clare's door step pounding on the door for ten minutes. I was starting to get worried. What if this was the deepest cut?

I cant believe I let myself do this to her. What was _wrong_ with me? I tried to stop hurting people I loved, _by_ hurting people I loved. I was stupid and a terrible person and now _Clare_ was paying for that.

I continued pounding on the door-waiting, hoping, praying-she would answer. The rain hadn't stopped and I was soaking wet. But I didn't care. I just needed to make sure Clare stopped hurting herself or I would be wondering about her for the rest of my life.

Clare finally opened the door. "Eli, the neighbors are gonna call the cops-this is an apartment. You should go,"

"I'm not going anywhere until you_ promise _me-with every ounce of your being-not to hurt yourself again,"

"No." she said simply. "I promised you something a long time ago and you threw that back in my face. I'm done promising you things,"

She went to close the door, but I put my arm out so stop her. "What did you promise me?"

"I promised you my love, and that I would never leave. See where it got me?"

"Clare, I did this to protect you,"

"From what, Eli?" she screamed. "What were you trying to protect me from?"

"Me! Didn't you get it when Owen stabbed you? I hurt _everyone_ around me. You shouldn't be with someone as fucked up as me!"

"Don't you care what I say? I love you, Eli! I never stopped and I never will! I don't care how fucked up you are, because look at me? I'm scar-girl and I always will be. These wont heal, and neither will my heart. But I cant stop loving you,"

"It's not right," I whispered. "For you to be so sad about me leaving. You should have moved on,"

"Did you really think I can? Did you?" she asked, bluntly.

I shook my head. "I never forgot you, I never will, I never stopped loving you and I never will. But I found other ways to deal without hurting myself,"

"Let me guess, beer? Drugs? Gambling?" she demanded.

"No. I chose the simplest thing I could," I shrugged, trying to make the conversation normal again because I didn't want to tell her what I did.

"Eli…" she sighed.

"I sat there! Okay? I sat there in my loneliness and emptiness and just let darkness consume me! And I would sit there and bawl and think of you being happy without me and moving on and I just let the tears and insanity take me and the next day I pretended I was okay until I got home. Then it happened all over again!"

She began sobbing and I couldn't help but sob with her. "Eli, if you still loved me, why did you leave?"

I took her in my arms, missing her for _ten years_ and pulled her against my soaked body. "Because I'm stupid,"

My lips collided with hers and I pulled us both inside the apartment, not caring.

I let my mind escape me and followed what my heart wanted to do for the past ten years. I knew it was bad. If I left again after this, she would be a wreck-and so would I.

But I couldn't help it anymore. Deep down inside, Clare was always mine and I was always hers. Even if we weren't physically together, all these ten years we were still _each others_.

I found the couch and we collapsed onto it. She pulled my out of my wet clothes, hands roaming all over my body, remembering, savoring.

As I took her clothes off, I noticed the scars didn't stop at her arms. They trailed along her collar bone and all over her stomach and legs. She really was sewn together. I kissed every scar I saw and let her say and kiss and do whatever she pleased.

This would hurt her so much if I left. But I couldn't think about that.

Clare was still a virgin. She saved herself all these years and I couldn't help but smile. Since I met her, I've dreamt about taking her virginity. When I left, I figured I wouldn't, and never could but here I was, taking the most important thing to her.

She moaned my name on every volume letter and that made me forget the past ten years. Suddenly we were back in my room, cleaning out everything I had in there, kissing on my bed and laughing at what we found. Suddenly, I was back in my hearse, running over her glasses. I was back in the park, against a tree, holding Clare's wrists away from me. Suddenly I was in the library, pulling Clare into our first real kiss.

And then I was back to the present. Clare stayed beside me, clinging to me for dear life and in that moment, I realized the mistake I made. She would never let me leave.

I wasn't sure if I could.

"Eli?" Clare murmured.

I looked down at her scarred body, weighing the what my head was telling me against what my heart screamed. "Yeah?"

"Are you staying?"

I looked into her blue eyes.

Was I?


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: okay, so your reviews are amazing and I smile when I read each one. I love them all so much. Reading great reviews before school made me hurry up and write the final chapter before I had to leave. It'll be kinda different but I hope you like it.**

_Pain and Joy_

_By Clare Edwards_

_I though I knew real pain. I thought I had lived it. _

_When my parents divorced, when my sister was raped._

_When I was stabbed._

_I thought I knew real pain when Eli told me he didn't love me anymore._

_I thought I knew real pain when I was forced into the car and driven away from him forever._

_I thought I knew real pain whenever I thought of him. I thought I found knew pain when the prick of the razor broke skin._

_I thought I knew real pain when I had to look back into Eli's emerald eyes and know what could have been._

_I thought I knew real pain when he told me what he went through the past ten years._

_But none of that pain amounted to the pain I felt that moment after I asked him if he was staying._

_In that one-minute pause, I could feel my chest collapsing and I couldn't breathe. I could feel the blackness taking over. I knew real pain then._

_I thought I knew real joy. I thought I had lived it._

_When Eli stepped out of the hearse, when Eli complimented my eyes._

_When we kissed._

_I thought I knew real joy when Eli and I kissed in the library._

_I thought I knew real joy when Eli promised to be there for me. To now go anywhere._

_I thought I knew real joy when I could look into his green eyes everyday._

_I thought I knew real joy when he accepted me for who I am._

_I thought I knew real joy when we slept together. My first time ever, his first time with me. Even though it was out of pain, and anger and agony and possibly regret it was more than I could have asked for._

_Because it was with Eli._

_But none of that joy amounted to the joy I felt when Eli told me he was staying._

_After the tortuous minute of waiting, my heart sinking, rebuilding itself just to break again, Eli finally took me in his arms and promised me he would never leave. _

_I was his; he was mine._

_The ten years seemed like a dream. They don't seem real._

_But it's like that song goes._

"_My scars remind me that the past is real"_

_But my scar don't remind me that the past was real. They remind me that Eli's real._

_That we're real. _

I smiled reading her poem and looked over at her, sleeping in her bed. I knew she would kill me for this, but I picked up a pencil and wrote something at the bottom of the page.

_I couldn't have made a better decision. Love, your Eli. _


End file.
